The Brain Eating Teddy Bear
by Stephanie18
Summary: I once had a dream about a brain eating teddy bear. Then I read one of kaytee's stories and thought, 'Why not?' This is humor and has a scary teddy bear. What will the Charmed Ones do?


The Brain Eating Teddy Bear  
  
  
DEDICATION: Kaytee, you helped me release my inner brain eating teddy bear. Thanks!  
  
NOTES: Well, Jessica and Frances wanted to be mentioned. Well, I was chatting with them at the time and they thought it was funny...  
  
  
  
  
  
[The manor. Prue, Piper, and Phoebe are sitting in the sun room. God forbid they should be normal and have a living room.]  
  
PHOEBE:  
I was thinking of putting out-  
  
PIPER:  
Don't you already?  
  
PHOEBE:  
Let me finish! I was saying, I was thinking of putting out a CD.  
  
PRUE:  
Must you always bring shame to this family?  
  
PHOEBE:  
Probably... if I understood what you meant, I would probably have a better answer.  
  
PIPER:  
That's the story of your lfie.  
  
[Leo orbs in and knocks over a lamp.]  
  
PIPER:  
That lamp was NEW!  
  
PRUE:  
No it wasn't...  
  
PIPER:  
Shhhhhh! I'm trying to make him feel bad!  
  
LEO:  
I can hear you, you know. It's not like you're whispering.  
  
PRUE:  
Why don't you go get knocked unconscious. You're good at that.  
  
LEO:  
I just have weak ankles!  
  
[Crickets chirp as everyone stares at Leo.]  
  
PIPER:  
Anyway, why are you here?  
  
LEO:  
There's...danger!  
  
[Prue yawns and more crickets chirp.]  
  
LEO:  
For God sakes, get out of the house!  
  
[Everyone sits there.]  
  
PHOEBE:  
You do know we never listen to you, right?  
  
LEO:  
Fine! But when the teddy bear eats your brain, you're going to be sorry!  
  
[Leo orbs out.]  
  
PRUE:  
Geez, what got his panties all in a wad?  
  
PIPER:  
Who knows? Leo's also got a wad in his pants... wait... I mean... uh...  
  
PHOEBE:  
What do you think he meant by the teddy bear eating our brains?  
  
[Prue takes a drag from her cigarette.]  
  
PIPER:  
Where'd you get that?  
  
[Prue shrugs and puts it out.]  
  
PHOEBE (whispering):  
Let me be your hero.  
  
PRUE:  
What?  
  
PHOEBE:  
I...uh...I said, so, how about that brain eating teddy bear that is slowly creeping onto Piper's head?  
  
PIPER:  
WHAT???  
  
[Piper races around the room, with the evil teddy bear hanging on to her back. Prue puts her cigarette in her mouth.]  
  
PIPER:  
Where'd you get that?  
  
[Prue shrugs and rips the teddy bear from Piper's abck and throws it at Phoebe. It begins suckign out her brains.]  
  
PHOEBE:  
Why don't I feel anything?  
  
[The teddy bear gets a confused look and opens Phoebe's head. It's empty. A lone tumbleweed tumbles by and exits through her left ear. The teddy bear shuts her head. Prue and Piper laugh at it.]  
  
PRUE:  
You obviously haven't done your research.  
  
PIPER:  
Phoebe is just here to state the obvious. [does an impression of Phoebe] There's a demon in the attic! Oh my gosh, that guy is evil!  
  
[Teddy Bear growls because it is incapable of speech.]  
  
PIPER:  
I have never met a stupider teddy bear.  
  
[Prue takes her cigarette from her mouth.]  
  
PIPER:  
Where did you get that???  
  
[Prue shrugs.]  
  
PHOEBE:  
Timmy's fallen down the well!  
  
[Everyone stares at her. The teddy bear turns to Prue and Piper.]  
  
PIPER:  
We couldn't tell you even if we weren't about to kill you... wait, that wasn't witty. We always say soemthing witty before we kill things!  
  
PRUE:  
Uh...go to fuzzy hell you fuzzy bastard!  
  
[Piper mulls it over. The teddy bear crosses his arms and taps his foot.]  
  
PIPER:  
No, it doesn't have that in your face Chamred attitude going on.  
  
PHOEBE:  
I dunno. I would say we've got more sass than attitude.  
  
PRUE:  
Sass? Sass is so '80s. Girl Power is so over. Um... the whole "embracing the word bitch" is over now. Attitude sounds about right.  
  
[The teddy bear growls at them.]  
  
PIPER:  
Hey, Mister Panty Wad -  
  
PHOEBE:  
Wait, I thought that was Leo.  
  
[Prue crosses her arms and waves her cigarette.]  
  
PIPER:  
Where do you get those???  
  
[Prue shrugs.]  
  
PHOEBE:  
So, have we decided on attitude?  
  
[Piper and Prue nod. Then they all turn to the teddy bear.]  
  
PIPER:  
Wait! We need a witty vanquish!  
  
[The teddy bear sighs and sits on the couch. He picks up Seventeen magazine. He looks at the cover, then the girls, then the cover.]  
  
PRUE:  
What are you looking at?  
  
[The teddy bear shakes his head and goes back to the magazine. The phone rings. Phoebe picks up.]  
  
PHOEBE:  
Hewo?  
  
PERSON:  
Hewo.  
  
PHOEBE:  
That is a trademark Phoebe baby voice word!  
  
PERSON:  
First I played with Judd, then I played with mommy and now I want to play with you.  
  
PHOEBE:  
You have been watching too much Pet Cemetary.  
  
[Phoebe hangs up, but it rings again.]  
  
PHOEBE:  
House of beauty, this is cutie.  
  
PERSON:  
I'm in the house, do you know where I am?  
  
[Phoebe looks at the teddy bear. He has a really tiny cellphone.]  
  
PHOEBE:  
On the couch?  
  
PERSON:  
Uh... no.  
  
PHOEBE:  
Yes you are. I'm looking right at you!  
  
PERSON:  
Um... no you're not.  
  
PHOEBE:  
I so am!  
  
[The teddy bear hangs up his phone.]  
  
PERSON:  
You are not!  
  
PHOEBE:  
You're right. You wanna talk to Prue? She was almost in Scream 3...  
  
[Phoebe hands the phone to Prue.]  
  
PRUE (to Phoebe):  
Be a sweetie darling and empty my ash try.  
  
[Phoebe grabs the ash tray and bounces away.]  
  
PRUE (on phone):  
Oh yeah? Well you're a *BEEP* *BEEP* and you've got a small *BEEP*! Oh you think? Shut the *BEEP* you *BEEP*! Honestly, if you *BEEP* anymore of those *BEEP* I'm going to shove a *BEEP* up your *BEEP*!  
  
[Prue hangs up the phone and throws it. It hits Phoebe in the head.]  
  
PHOEBE:  
I'm pretty sure that hurt...  
  
[The teddy bear sighs.]  
  
PIPER:  
Are you still here?  
  
TEDDY BEAR:  
Mmmmmmhmmmm.  
  
PRUE:  
Well, we need a witty saying or we'll have to do with "Die in fuzzy hell."  
  
[Leo orbs in and screams like a woman, then he jumps in Prue's arms.]  
  
LEO:  
Waaah -hey, where'd you get that cigarette?  
  
[Prue shrugs and drops Leo to the floor. Leo clambers to his knees and hides behind Prue. Prue sighs and rolls her eyes.]  
  
PRUE:  
God you're sad.  
  
[Leo whimpers in response. The teddy bear gnashes his teeth and Leo shrieks and climbs up on Prue's back and grabs onto her neck.]  
  
PRUE:  
Choking Prue! You're choking Prue!  
  
[Leo drops to the floor then orbs out. Everybody looks at Piper.]  
  
PIPER:  
I'm cheating on him, don't worry!  
  
PHOEBE:  
Me too.  
  
[Everybody looks at Phoebe.]  
  
PHOEBE:  
Uh.... go to fuzzy hell!  
  
[Teddy Bear taps his watch. Piper picks him up by his little teddy bear neck.]  
  
PIPER:  
You will wait until we have something witty!  
  
[She throws the teddy bear down and Prue puts out her cigarette.]  
  
PRUE:  
We've only got one choice.  
  
PHOEBE:  
What's that?  
  
PRUE:  
We kill him in the closet.  
  
PIPER:  
Enlighten the stupid... Phoebe didn't hear.  
  
PRUE:  
If we kill him in the closet, no one will see. Then we can pretend that we had the wittiest saying ever.  
  
[The sisters agree and drag the teddy bear in the closet. Muffeled pummeling noises, screams, a chainsaw, and... giggles? Whatever. Anyway, they're heard in the closet.]  
  
PRUE (muffled):  
Go to fuzzy hell you fuzzy bastard!  
  
[A bang is heard then smoke comes from the crack under the door. The door opens and the sisters come running out, choking and gasping for air.]  
  
PIPER:  
Forgot about the demonic vanquish smoke.  
  
PRUE:  
At least there was no demonic vanquish fire.  
  
PHOEBE:  
I don't know about anyone else, but I'm curiously high.  
  
[Piper and Prue stare at her.]  
  
PHOEBE:  
Nobody else? Okay.  
  
[Phoebe goes back into the closet and shuts the door.]  
  
PIPER:  
Adopted?  
  
[Prue lights her cigarette then puts the lighter away.]  
  
PIPER:  
Where did you get that???  
  
[Prue puts her arm around Piper shoulders and they walk into the kitchen.]  
  
PRUE:  
Let me tell you the story of the little smoker that could... he huffed and he puffed, then he died of black lung.  
  
THE END 


End file.
